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know your co-workers shoes well, my friends...

...especially if you ever plan on sitting in the bathroom stall at work, and you decide that it would be funny to play footsie with the guy crapping next to you...

not quite as funny, at that moment, when the voice you hear saying "excuse me" isn't the voice you thought was attached to the shoes visibile under the stall....

Ahh, bite me; it hasn't even been a year you whiny little butt-weasel. And yes, I'm still too lazy to proofread what goes here. Deal with it.

So, you ever watch Dragon Tales? Basically, it is this mildly torturous show about two annoying little kids, a brother and sister (I think, though I guess they could be dating, which might make the show a little more interesting, especially if they are really into kinky stuff like dragons), who can travel to some kind of parallel universe full of friendly talking dragons by reciting bad poetry while teaching us some valuable lesson like "if you are a two-headed dragon, it may seem really cool to sepearate your heads into two distinct head-body combinations, but in then end, you are gonna be best off ending up back together with your other head and its body again cuz of some big dilemma like, say, you are the newly detached 'right head-body' combo and you just took a dump and you realize now that not only are you not used to having two of your own ass cheeks to spread apart, your head-body's half usually only handles the flushing duties, not the wiping ones and you have no idea to clean up your nether region."

But anyways, I digress. The real purpose of this was supposed to be to complain about that freaking Enrique guy. Over the past couple of years I've been suckered into more than my fair share of Dragon Tales viewing, but never in such concentrated doses as the past 3-5 days of father-daughter-dragon bonding time as we moped around the house in our jammies all sick as, well, a two headed dragon with a thing that makes you really really sick and stuff. As a result of this marathon week of napping, chatting and giggles in bed, discussions on the merits of juice-boxes vs. juice in cups, toilet paper roll art projects, watching Caillou (don't get me started) and Dragon Tales at every avaialable opportunity, we were introduced to Dragon Tale's newest "character", Enrique.

Well, introduced is pushing it. All of a sudden, like out of nowhere, the normal two little kids are getting ready to recite their dragon travelling ditty when some beany punk named Enrique pops in and joins them. They recite their same ditty, and all 3 are whisked away to dragon land. Alli sorta accepts it, with just a little "hey! they have a friend"....but I'm seriously taken aback. So many things wrong, so disturbing....from the get-go, Enrique just pissed me off.

In a nutshell, Enrique just totally ruins the realism of the show for me. Firstly, no freaking way the same exact poem is powerful enough to transport all three of them, I know these things, I've been watching Charmed for a long time now and you can't F around with spells and shit all willy nilly like (plus, wearing some dorky hat isn't gonna help, revealing outfits and tight shirts aid magical powers, everyone knows that by now.) Secondly, what kind of dumbass kids have a free ride to a magical land and let some other kid in on the action without at least trading something cool for it or getting some cash in exchange? Especially when that kid just takes this magical trip for granted...no mad props to the other kids for the transporational words, no initial 'pee in his pants' reaction to meeting real dragons...and the dragons, what the hell is wrong with them, all of a sudden another runt comes in there and they aren't frightened by it? Don't they see the future where Enrique tells just one more friend about the dragons and then one more and then one more and before you know it there are like 4823 kids ogling the dragons and there is no space for the dragons to run around and do dragon things and then one of the kids accidentally gets in the way of a sick dragon who does one of those sneeze/cough-fart things, only with dragons, I'm pretty sure that this involves fire, so one or two kids burn to death and now there are 4819 kids running around all freaked out (note, there are still likely 4821 kids still alive, but the original two kids have probably seen something like this before and realize that the sneezing dragon didn't really kill this other kid on purpose, so they aren't really afraid) and then then trample all the plants in dragon land and all the dragons eventually starve to death (a few episodes after the emotional 'dragons have to eat, too' episode where they eat the charred remains of those 2 kids, not to mention the tragic newly charred kids who are 'accidentally' cooked en masse by the new epidemic of sneeze-farting dragons) Do I want Alli learning, among other things, that it is ok to just up and give magical secrets away to other people for free? Or that it is ok to sneeze-fart in order to get food? Or that it is ok to pretend to be friends with people and then just turn around and eat them when you get a little bit hungry?

I could go on, but I'll spare you for now....and needless to say I'm a little leery of those commercials we saw today hyping the arrival of Dora's new little sibling. As if life with a talking blue monkey wasn't good enough, she has to go and get greedy......

there aren't too many holidays that i'm particularly fond of....and st. patrick's day is definitely one of them that basically does nothing for me...just can't get my heart into it...

however, this year, my colon seems to have a differing opinion. it has been celebrating for the better part of the week by churning out all sorts of neat-o shades of green poop.

i find myself kind of hoping this will be a pattern..... who knows what my colon will think up for arbor day (broccoli in, broccoli out!), valentine's day (woo! finally a good reason to bring out the bloody stool!) or thanksgiving (heavy on the corn!)....the possibilities are endless...

i'm not sure that i've looked forward to the fourth of july this much...like, ever...

Just a few of the things Alli has decided to eat today....

Fish Meal, Corn Flour, Wheat Flour, Soy Flour, Oat Meal, Squid Meal, Fish Liver Meal (mmmm!), Wheat Gluten Meal, Squid Liver Meal (double mmmm!), Fish Oil, Dried Yeast, Shrimp Meal (and many more!)

and, of course, my personal favorite...

Pre-Digested Plankton, fresh from the ocean, rich in pigment and prepared using a patented bio-process!

i'm sure that the lovely people at the Illinois Poison Center (which i happened to notice from their website is located about a block from my office) get odder phone calls, but i still couldn't shake the feeling that they're going to be staring out the window and laughing at me as i walk past their building tomorrow on my way to work...

the good news is that the only real problem we could expect is some diarrhea...which, i'm expecting to be rich in pigment and prepared using alli's very own bio-process! they suggested having her drink a decent amount of water in order to dilute the flakes in her stomach...which got me thinking...why wait for digestion and the possible ensuing results of her bio-processing, when i could attack the problem sooner? and then that whole vegetarian mindset got the better of me again and i decided not to scoop out one her goldfish and have her swallow it whole so that it could eat the food before alli bio-processed it figuring, of course, that she'd have an easier time digesting a fish than the flakes....

in the end, though, my 'vegetarian mindset' got the better of me and i just put her down again for her nap and let the fish live for a while...or at least until alli decides to try sushi in her room during nap time....

a few weeks ago:

my interest was first piqued when i noticed that the shelf was labeled with a big '2 for a $1.00' sign.....and then my gaze was met by bo jackson's beefy smile....and i knew my wallet was going to be a few dollars lighter... hell, i knew right then that my life would change. i would soon be the proud owner of ALL the freaking 'Bo Jackson Better Bars" on the shelf.



how could you not fall in love with the product? eat one of these nutritious taste sensations (available in like 3+ flavors!) and you can almost imagine yourself developing the charm, killer smile, general affability and athletic ability of one of the greatest athletes ever! this is marketing genius! the celebrity spokesperson model done to perfection!

now i may be a dreamer, but i'm grounded in enough reality to know that no nutiritious snack can make me run faster or smile prettier, etc...but that is where that aforementioned marketing genius comes into play! that isn't what this bar packaging is telling me! i know that if i eat all these snack bars, odds are that i'm going to develop a bum hip! heck, i'm gonna probably need a hip replacement! sure, i'll try to work for a few more years, at least half of the year (the winter work will be too rough for my hip) but eventually i'll be retiring early (in my 30's!) and living off disabilty! i'll be able to hang out with alli all day long and hopefully my hip will hold out long enough so that i can still chase off her boyfriends in 13 years....my life is surely gonna be BETTER!

WOW! I wonder why these things were on clearance!

when my ass talks, people listen....

yesterday, while urinating in the men's room at work, i, ummm, passed a little gas....as i was letting it rip, i thought to myself 'WOW! i just farted the word "hello"'....apparently someone in a stall agreed with me as a few moments later i heard a tentative 'hi?' come from over the wall...

i wonder what my bouquet said....

last week we returned two movies to netflix and they 'theoretically' shipped out two more...the first one arrived a couple of days ago and it happened to be 'the ring' (you know that movie where people watch a videotape, and then get a creepy phone call informing them they are going to die in 7 days and then they all die and stuff)...much to my chagrin, however, there has been no sign of the second movie that was supposed to be shipped...it was now several days overdue and i was starting to suspect that we'd never get it...so, despite the fact that i had mentally labeled 'the ring' as a friday/saturday viewing experience, we decided to pop the movie in around 10pm and live on the edge...

after we watched 'the ring', we were both a little weirded out. there is something i've never really liked about watching ghost stories in a 70+ year old building (especially since our previous apartment was all haunted and stuff..and who knows if there is some dormant ghost dude sitting there watching the movie with you who up and decides that 'hey! that spooky shit is all cool and stuff, i'm gonna start terrorizing people...hmmm..let me start by hurling sharp knives at that guy over there'...you know what i mean..happens all the damn time) and that combined with the late hour, jumpy cats and a lack of sleep got us fairly freaked out....and we, of course, waited/feared/dreaded the ringing of the phone...

and then it hit me.

our second movie wasn't lost in the mail....netflix never sent it...why? because we are going to die in 7 days (unless the newly inspired local ghosts decide to do the job earlier)! they know that. for all i know, they might even be in on it. why would they send us more movies when they run the risk of never getting them back? that would just be bad business. which kind of pisses me off because if they know that we are gonna die after watching it, the least they could do is let us live out the last week of our lives entertained. how many people have rented this dvd before us and passed their last week sitting in their easy chair with one eye on the clock and another on a 'suddenly susan' rerun which they were only watching because it was 3:00 am and they had already seen all the infomercials that were up against 'susan' 3 or 4 times and besides, if they are going to die in a few days, can they really get much use out of that rotissiere oven or food dehydrator, though, really if they weren't being so selfish and only thinking of their impending death they could have ordered the rotissiere oven or food dehydrator so that it arrived at their house about the same time that their body was found so that if they were found by a cannibalistic friend/neighbor (aren't they all?) there would be some fancy new gizme and recipes to try out for couch potato casserole or that buttock jerky recipe they had been dying to try? isn't death punishment enough? do they have to pour salt in our wounds (so to speak, which, now that i think about it, is even more jackass on their part, cuz i'm no dehydrating jerky making expert, but i'd guess that there is some salting of the meat/wounds involved in the process and now you end up with salted prime cut corpse to start dehydrating, but your loved/neighborly ones are left without a way to process it.)

either that or the mail is just slow right now...no..wait...maybe the mailman/post office is in on it with netflix! and he doesn't need us to have a fancy food cooking device at home! he'll just steal someone else's ronco product off the mail truck and bring it over to our house once the mailbox starts overflowing!

oh my goodness...this is gonna be huge! anyways, i'm out of here. any infomercial/home shopping junkies who are either cannibals, friends of cannibals or just cannibal curious reading this right now, just a heads up to load up your car and get over to our house on the 20th for some fresh meat. better you than the mailman....