last week we returned two movies to netflix and they 'theoretically' shipped out two more...the first one arrived a couple of days ago and it happened to be 'the ring' (you know that movie where people watch a videotape, and then get a creepy phone call informing them they are going to die in 7 days and then they all die and stuff)...much to my chagrin, however, there has been no sign of the second movie that was supposed to be shipped...it was now several days overdue and i was starting to suspect that we'd never get it...so, despite the fact that i had mentally labeled 'the ring' as a friday/saturday viewing experience, we decided to pop the movie in around 10pm and live on the edge...

after we watched 'the ring', we were both a little weirded out. there is something i've never really liked about watching ghost stories in a 70+ year old building (especially since our previous apartment was all haunted and stuff..and who knows if there is some dormant ghost dude sitting there watching the movie with you who up and decides that 'hey! that spooky shit is all cool and stuff, i'm gonna start terrorizing people...hmmm..let me start by hurling sharp knives at that guy over there'...you know what i mean..happens all the damn time) and that combined with the late hour, jumpy cats and a lack of sleep got us fairly freaked out....and we, of course, waited/feared/dreaded the ringing of the phone...

and then it hit me.

our second movie wasn't lost in the mail....netflix never sent it...why? because we are going to die in 7 days (unless the newly inspired local ghosts decide to do the job earlier)! they know that. for all i know, they might even be in on it. why would they send us more movies when they run the risk of never getting them back? that would just be bad business. which kind of pisses me off because if they know that we are gonna die after watching it, the least they could do is let us live out the last week of our lives entertained. how many people have rented this dvd before us and passed their last week sitting in their easy chair with one eye on the clock and another on a 'suddenly susan' rerun which they were only watching because it was 3:00 am and they had already seen all the infomercials that were up against 'susan' 3 or 4 times and besides, if they are going to die in a few days, can they really get much use out of that rotissiere oven or food dehydrator, though, really if they weren't being so selfish and only thinking of their impending death they could have ordered the rotissiere oven or food dehydrator so that it arrived at their house about the same time that their body was found so that if they were found by a cannibalistic friend/neighbor (aren't they all?) there would be some fancy new gizme and recipes to try out for couch potato casserole or that buttock jerky recipe they had been dying to try? isn't death punishment enough? do they have to pour salt in our wounds (so to speak, which, now that i think about it, is even more jackass on their part, cuz i'm no dehydrating jerky making expert, but i'd guess that there is some salting of the meat/wounds involved in the process and now you end up with salted prime cut corpse to start dehydrating, but your loved/neighborly ones are left without a way to process it.)

either that or the mail is just slow right now...no..wait...maybe the mailman/post office is in on it with netflix! and he doesn't need us to have a fancy food cooking device at home! he'll just steal someone else's ronco product off the mail truck and bring it over to our house once the mailbox starts overflowing!

oh my goodness...this is gonna be huge! anyways, i'm out of here. any infomercial/home shopping junkies who are either cannibals, friends of cannibals or just cannibal curious reading this right now, just a heads up to load up your car and get over to our house on the 20th for some fresh meat. better you than the mailman....